Still Learning

Before you look at this photo and think we have it all together, keep reading. 

Today is our nineteenth wedding anniversary. I love David. He loves me. We've been through a hell of a lot together. We've also said and done things we regret. We have many things in common yet experience the world in vastly different ways. David is logical, practical, and efficient. He is wise and purposeful, and can see a clear path to what needs to be done. On the other hand, I am creative, emotional, and tend to linger as I move throughout the day. He is neat. I am messy. The list goes on. In short, we have to work on our communication all. the. time. It can be exhausting and wonderful. 

However, we are both committed to learning how to love each other every day of our lives. Can I just emphasize the keyword in that last sentence is l-e-a-r-n-i-n-g?  

But since it's our anniversary I thought I would share a few things that have helped over the years, and what I want to remember as we move into the next decade together: 

1. Loving your spouse is learning to accept them, just as they are. I can't emphasize this enough because it's the one that may be the hardest to overcome. Accept that they are doing the best they can. Accept that they may not change. Accept that the only One who will ever fully understand you is your Maker. 

2. Let go of expectations. Things that are fun for you may not be fun for them. Go back to number one on this list. Know that the more expectations you place on someone else, the more disappointment you will most likely feel. They are human. You are human. Real-life does not look like a Jane Austen movie. 

3. If you are a person of faith, remember the unconditional love God has given you, in spite of you. This kind of love is our example. The way we put it into practice is by making grace and forgiveness our habit. Pray and ask God to help you love your spouse in a way that's meaningful to them. 

4. Loving someone is a choice you make every single day, not something you are always going to feel like doing. 

5. Stay a little longer in the conversations. Stay a little longer to work things out. Stay a little longer to love, listen, and learn. 

6. Try your best to respond instead of reacting. Responding looks like listening and leaning in. Reacting looks like criticizing and blaming. You will have fewer regrets if you learn how to respond. 

7. It's hard to fake anything (your feelings, your attitude, etc) in a long term relationship like marriage. Sometimes we are fighting battles that the other person is not aware of. Practice self-compassion and spouse-compassion. 

8. Keep dating your spouse. Dance in the kitchen. Go to the gym together. Weekends away. Lingerie. Life can be monotonous. Give yourself permission to try whatever idea comes to mind that, well, keeps things interesting. 

9. Go to therapy. Every year if possible. Go together. Go separately. Decide early on that this will be a regular part of your budget and general marriage health. 

10. Stay true to who you are, and commit to being the healthiest version of yourself. This will ultimately be the best gift you can give your spouse, your children, and pretty much every other person in your life.

11. Finally, when you are not sure what the next right step is, try this two-part strategy: 

Pray, then hug.

Even if you don't feel like doing either one. I promise it helps. 

This is by no means an exhaustive list, just a simple list for this day, this moment, this bookmark in our story. I'm grateful for the gift of loving you and being loved by you, David. Here's to many more by your side.